weekend

Friday, was alright went to the dealership and jearked around with them some more, which i get to do again. And got a new prescription.

Saturday, had to close the store and walked out at 4 in the morning.

Sunday, Turned around and drove 2 hours to earth day after 2 different people bailed on me, then went to moberly where i felt like i was intruding, so i came back to home and after being up all day went and closed the store on monday, which sucked.

Tuesday, went to NTB or TNB or some combination of national battery/tire to see if i needed an alignment and eneded up getting charged ~$80 to get one WTF? guess im not going to get my medication ... ever. its fucking 70 dollars just for this one shit that they dont even have a generic for ?! FUCK THAT, i like sleep but i like to be able to have a car too. FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT.

anyway today is 4/20...  congrats ... or whatever. i get to work an 8 hour shift after being an insomiac for the 4th time in a row, i havent really slept since last .... wednesday. yeah to about a week i am getting to the point i cant see straight anymore. i went driving to try to be able to sleep, see if i wolud be tired when i came bac k and no i wasnt. just realized i cant see real great, freaked me out when the road was washed out in one spot.

so yeah gotta start making more money. like last month. that would be nice. its not going to happen, this isnt going to work.. again. i always fail. it never works. why dont i just stop trying, every time i do it ends badly?

Hello I love you, won't you tell me your name?

Hello, I love you won't you tell me your name, Hello I love you won't you let me jump in your game, Hello I love you won't you lend me your name?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

YOU HAVE A BAD CONNECTION!..



;)



Okay, so there is this girl I know. she is really cute, funny, attractive, adorable, and she always cheers me up when I see her. But there is this catch. Im not good enough. Now you are thinking to yourself "no way, she is toally good enough" but no really Im not. Let me explain, I have a personality disorder that.. well causes my view of the world to be a little broken- I either love  you or hate you, either I am best friends and trust my life or I hate you and wish you a horrible slow death.. okay maybe not that extreme but damn near it. So my problem then lies with myself - I know im cute, sure obviously people think im cute otherwise they wouldnt be fapping to my pictures on the internet, that doesnt mean I have to agree with them. I also do not have to think that they should think im cute, becuase im really not. Anyway, So this girl, she doesnt even know i exsist, it sucks. I go out of my way to make her think I am just playfully flirty and that i am like that with everyone. But now Im confused, I have this doctors appointment on friday, and its ass crack dawn of wednesday, and I havent seen her since saturday. Its not that odd. But at the same time. Damn, I wish I just had someone to talk to. Thats why Im planning on going up to Mobtown. I need someone that I can talk to and wont judge me. Wont think that im broken becuase they are just as broken but differently. Its hard for me to cry. I know that - ive been well aware of it since feb 1, 2008 well just after that... but its hard for me to cry, and all i want to do is just curl up in a ball and cry. Im so alone and no one even knows becuase of the wall I put up just so everyone else wont know anything is wrong. Why cant I just be loved. I think that I am forever doomed to feel the second hand love of someone else that its killing me. I moved out here to get away from that. I moved to get away from being surrounded by couples who love each other, And for some reason... I cant. I need to get used to the fact that I will never think I am good enough for anyone and that is why I aim to love someone who cant or wont recipricate feelings and that is why I will always be alone and unloved. Its all my doing.
So I love you, wont you tell me your name... Its not swish. thats for sure. Because I do love someone but they have no clue.

Fire at the Fox

I am a fire performer as you probably already knew, and we had this big show planned down at The Fox.. I was really excited about it- as a matter of fact so excited that I rush ordered new spinning implements from New Zealand just to have them for the show.
There was supposed to be a lot of people there, and I figured that since the Musical Blades were going to be there that we would be packed...was I WRONG..
BALLS TO WALLS, NUTS TO BUTTS, ASS TO FACE...wait...was that last one the same meaning as the rest...oh well IT WAS FUCKING PACKED!
Almost 500 people cramed into this little bar... HOLY..SHIT..

I have never before seen so many pirates in one space before. It was ... ... ... MADE OF EPIC WIN.

But anyway the show was great, it was a lot of fun, I got to drive MYSELF in MY CAR to the show. Got to make out with some very..very, ... very sexy ladys and got to see a band that I found out that I really like.

Did I mention those lady's were sexy, damn. Doormouse defiantly needs to be my designated makeout partner for my shows. That got so much attention.

The after-party had an interesting individual show up, very angry about parking... but then left as all people that bring trouble do.

We rode home and all-in-all it was a generally amazing day.

/squee

OOH SHINY, and flame-yy

I got my order from Homeofpoi today. YAY, it came in 4 days sooner than expected! OMFG TOO AWESOME, Im going to go outside and enjoy the weather then.

This is their shop, they have all the best firespinning and glow and breathing/contact everything I have found.
http://www.homeofpoi.com/?friend=Brittney9

awkward

So I was checking my facebook events because none were showing up on my home screen, now facebook is known for its fuck-ups so i didn't wonder too much and i saw an event i didn't remember *this isn't uncommon* so i clicked on it as i would and saw that it was an event that i had responded "not attending" to a while ago, okay... but the weird and totally awkward thing is that i see a comment from my ex who HAD me blocked. .. .. .. why would they un-block me? that is the awkward thing. more awkward is that I leave someone blocked once they have been. I view blocked people as someone that I do not ever want to speak to again, but for the past few days i have been thinking about her alot, for no reason. and feeling a strange pull to the town she lives in, i know i do not want to see her. i very much dislike her. But for some reason i cant help feeling this pull. It makes me wonder if she has started fucking around with her spells again. That would not be fortuitous.

On a better note the only thing stopping me from getting a car now, is someone to co-sign on a loan for me. :)

Air Force?

 

So I worked for the USAF the other day when they were doing their X-1 Super Car Tour in S.T.L, and it was super fun. I found out a lot of information about the Air Force that I didn't already know, which was surprising, because this will be the .... *stops to think* ... 8th? time I've thought about joining the Air Force or such... 

Well I cant decide if I want to do it or not, I think that I would enjoy it but at the same time I don't know if I could do it, with being a smoker and having the mental issues that I do. But hey I'll talk to the people and then see if I still want to do it huh? Whats the worst that could happen I get drafted? LOL. doubtful.

City Museum

Went into town today to look at the car I think I've found and it looks good, it has some body damage but overall it looks alright, its yellow by the way. =D

We also went to City Museum and had an amazing time. Good friends, good places, good times. That was great.

Im excited  about our house party tomorrow... We have this group that I'm a part of the H.O.I.R. Its an amazing group of like-minded individuals. Im proud to be a HOIR :)

By the way happy april fools day... that makes 10 years that my mom has lived in como, a whole decade that I can look back on and remember clearly. Strange, a decade ago I was in 3rd grade coming into town with no friends and no knowledge of the area. Its familar to what I feel now, but with more friends (obviously) ><

Anyway thats a quicky update for me.

Oh yeah if you follow Only Lori or Crows Nest (not sure where it will be now but it was in Lori's blog) I am mentioned in there... but I wont tell you who...

Cant sleep as usual

Ok so like usual I cant sleep so I thought I would try to write so maybe I might be able to try to sleep. Meh. I dont know if it will help but you never know.

 I know that I am too tired to get up and do anything but my mind wont stop racing when I lay down to sleep. I cant wait for my dr's appt so maybe i can get this figured out. or not if not i am making an honest effort to fix it.
I have learned that i like typing more than writing though because as i just learned i can do it with both eyes closed and still type what i want to - this is called train of thought typing i believe, where you just type what comes to mind? meh.  I dont know.

I'm excited about Saturday and hope that it goes well, I am upset that my hours at work got cut but im afraid its because i did something wrong and he might just be doing what heather did and when she was mad at you she would cut your hours till there were none left or you quit, she was afraid to fire anyone i just know.

I have self confidence issues i know this but for some reason i dont think very many people realize that them telling me that they think i am pretty or gorgeous, etc, just make me feel more weird, i like being told that i am smart or charismatic, well spoken, unfortunately these things dont happen often.

anyway i am trying to wear myself out= i didnt work today and so i am laying in my bed, which i just changed today from an air bed to a futon - typing with my eyes closed and i seem to be doing ok. i think ill pick this back up in the morning if i have time,

i want a womyn to love me , i want someone to love me that same way that i love them. i wont lie and say im not attracted to guys but i dont see myself dating men, i have problems with them im not a lesbian anymore nor do i think i ever really was. i had too many instances where i have been horribly wronged by men, rather boys. but still i know that not all men are bad i know that i should give them another chance so i do. but only partly;


OK so sorry if this didnt make any sence this is what happens when i just type at 240am with no purpose ><

see you again.

BTW
i want to figure out how to change the look of my blog. i havent figured that out yet... its a work in progress.